Pirate Diet: Forget The Carnivore Diet

People try a lot of fad diets to right their proverbial ship by the time Memorial Day rolls around, but I’m here to tell you there’s only one that works. Carnivore Diet, South Beack Diet, Atkins, they’re all shit. I’ve got two words for those fat-filled ears of yours: Pirate Diet.

Pirate Diet? Yeah, Pirate Diet, fatso. Ever see Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean? Jack Sparrow and Will Turner? Those guys are fucking ripped, and they spend all day on yachts in the Gulf of Mexico. Sound like the life you want to live? 

Ahoy bitches, let’s get down to basics now. Essentially, the Pirate Diet is the exact same thing as the Carnivore Diet, but you keep going with it. You don’t want to just lose all that weight by Memorial Day and then put it all back on by July 4th do you? Imagine what an idiot you’d look like at D’Jais in Belmar when your sick Lulu v-neck doesn’t fit anymore. 

Start by staying on the Carnivore Diet for a few months, losing weight, and after a while you’ll develop this thing called scurvy. Now don’t freak out, that might sound fucked up, but that’s exactly what we want to happen. You’ve been crushing meat for so long that your body is running out of vitamin C, and as a result, you’ll get even more weight loss benefits:

Scurvy is the name for a vitamin C deficiency. It can lead to anemia, debility, exhaustion, spontaneous bleeding, pain in the limbs, and especially the legs, swelling in some parts of the body, and sometimes ulceration of the gums and loss of teeth.

Forget all that other shit and focus on the real benefits; spontaneous bleeding and swelling. You’re telling me I get to lose some more weight in the form of blood? And I get free swelling without even having to get a pump? Sign me the fuck up. You can get veneers for those lost teeth, that’s what dentists are for.

I haven’t tried the Pirate Diet myself yet, but I will be doing it for all of you this April and May, and will post results. So eat that meat and let’s set sail, bitches.

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